I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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