Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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