I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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