he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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