Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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