wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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