Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
