hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
