It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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