Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Drake has all the answers
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
