just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
