I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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