Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
