I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
