I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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