Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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