I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
