He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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