I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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