The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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