Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
