i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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