i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
