Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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