I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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