I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
