someone threw a dead crab at me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
