New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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