Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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