Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
