two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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