Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
