Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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