she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
