just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
