i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
