It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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