im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
