She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
soo... how was my night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
