Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
