i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
