Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
