my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
