Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
