you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
