Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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