I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
