so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
