a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
