I accidentally burped into my bong.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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